It started when I was introduced to the old guy next door, because he’s from the South.  Southern people like to know they have other Southerners nearby.  Every time I pass him, I say Hi, ask how he’s doing – small talk.  Our relationship changed drastically last week when Barney thought it’d be fun to embarrass me, which he often likes to do.  When we walked up to the office, the old guy was outside with a friend.  They told us the electricity was off and without missing a beat, Barney said “that’s because king plugged her vibrator into the wall.”  (he also said I had anal beads in front of the Command Sergeant Major… thanks, barney)

Ever since he made that comment, the guy next door must feel like he can say whatever he wants to me.  It started innocent enough when I walked past him and he told the guy he was talking to that I was “the prettiest girl on post.. athletically inclined, always going to the gym, prettiest girl there is around here.”  I smiled, said thank you.  He kept going on and I said “Well, I just love you!”  He told me not to use that phrase lightly and I responded “I love all Southern Boys!”  People, this is just me – this is how I am.  It doesn’t mean anything, and I do love Southern Boys.

Fastfoward to the next day, I was walking in my office and he walked out of his, stopped and started toward me.  ”Be careful, I’ve got a weakness for a girl with a pretty smile.”  I replied “Then it sounds like you’re the one that should be careful.”

A couple of days after that, he came out of his office as I was opening my door.  ”Nighttime is a dangerous time for you little girl.”  I said “excuse me?” He told me that nighttime was dangerous because “this southern boy might try to steal a kiss.”  I told him that my bodyguards wouldn’t be too happy about that and he just laughed and said “be careful.”

According to Stone, I apparently put out the honey.  My finger points to Barney and him opening the flood gates of flirtation.  Once the sun goes down, Barney is my appointed escort to the bathroom trailer.   He hates it because I have a geriatric bladder and make several trips.  I told him he could either escort me or have my sexual assault on his conscience.  He voted for being my escort.  (shhh… don’t tell anyone he’s actually a decent guy)

B2: Does anyone have the keys over there?

Me: Does anyone have the keys?… Yes Sir, Stone has them.

B2: Can he bring them over here, SSG Lankford needs the vehicle at 1400.  

Me:  Where does he have to go?  (I’m just having a little fun with him now)

B2:  Does it matter where he has to go?

Me: Well, yes Sir, I’d like to know why we have to bring the vehicle over there.

B2:  He has a meeting with someone about a story.

Me:  Okay, I guess that’s good enough.  Since it’s only 1000, can’t it wait?  I mean, do you need it this minute?  Stone is busy and we’re all working on stuff.

B2:  Fine, Fine, but you know this vehicle log really needs to be updated.  It’s too hard to track down the vehicle when people have places to go and we’re going to start cracking down.  If the vehicle isn’t signed back in promptly, the driver and passengers will lose their vehicle privileges for a week.  I’m serious.

Me: (trying not to laugh)  Well, Sir, out of curiosity.. who had the vehicle last?

B2:  Well, SSG Raley had it to go to his mission. 

Me:  But, who signed it out?  Who should have signed it back in?

B2: (in a defeated tone) … First Sergeant.

Me: Ohhhhhh… Looks like he’s in trouble.  (I had him on speaker phone the whole time, so the “ooohhhh” was in unison with Stone and Barney)

B2:  Whatever.. just bring the vehicle over here.  

Me:  We’ll have it there in time for SSG Lankford, Sir.  

I promptly called back and asked if we could put the vehicle log on the sharepoint (a site we use to share documents on all the computers).. I mean really it only makes sense.  He just acted confused, probably because I was laughing hysterically when I asked.  But, what do you expect when you try to lay down the law with the NCOs and the 1SG can’t even follow it?

SGT Stone called SSG Lankford later and worked out an NCO-to-NCO deal.  SSG Lankford walked to where the vehicle was to grab the keys and leave.  Oh.. and he signed the vehicle back in for us and out again for himself.